Change is inevitable. It is a constant in the Universe, and it will happen. Change cannot be prevented. Only delayed.
Think back on this year. What changes did you experience? Recall the changes you set as goals and resolutions. Remember the inconvenient and unwanted changes. How sudden they were. Rejoice and be proud of the intentional changes you accomplished. Whatever changes took place in your life this past year, can you see that change has been constant? Even if it felt like nothing was changing, and even if nothing really changed in your circumstances, you changed.
Was all the change necessary? Perhaps not. Sometimes things change because it’s time. Sometimes a condition is met and it sparks the change. Whatever the reason, the best change is needed change. The change that makes you feel better about yourself and about your life.
Needed change can happen in one of two ways:
Forced Change; or
Focused Change
Both types of change are uncomfortable. The difference is forced change feels like a life sentence, while focused change feels like a life liberation.
Forced Change
When forced change is happening, it feels like things are happening to you. You start to believe you don’t control your life, and that you’re the victim of some terrible karma, juju, luck, and fate. You may even curse God or say the fault’s in your stars.
When you want things to stay the same, that’s when change will be forced on you. The more you resist, the more change will persist.
Forced change happens when you resist the flow of life, the change in circumstances, and the timing of things. When you force things, rush them, avoid them, ignore them, procrastinate them, or resist them, you put yourself in a position of forced change. It’s going to happen. You just don’t want to accept it.
Forced change takes away choice, and can lead to regret and resentment.
Focused Change
At the core of focused change is choice. Whether it happens by circumstances out of your control or by your own making, focused change always comes with a choice.
Focused change feels like life is happening for you. Each action and reaction is filled with opportunity and possibility. Your intention recognizes and accepts what must change, and is creactive (creatively active) about it.
Focused change is simultaneously a symphony of circumstances that you direct, and a jazz improvisation that you let happen.
The highest achievements and satisfactions in life come from focused change. In the big things and in the little things, focused change will lead to success.
The winning combo
Change that is needed will always work toward your progress and success. Regardless of whether it’s forced or focused.
The true success lies in being able to harness both forced change and focused change toward your dreams and goals.
It takes practice and intentionality to accept forced change when it happens, and to create focused change when desired. The good news is, regardless of the type of change, forced or focused, if it’s needed change, it will lead to a better you and a better life.
Trust that needed change is leading you to a better tomorrow. Trust that change is working for your benefit. Accept and embrace the change, and soon you’ll find yourself being an agent for change.
Quitting is empowering. Giving up is debilitating. Quitting is an action that moves you forward in a new direction. Giving up doesn’t move you forward. It just keeps you stagnant where you are.
Quitters eventually find their path and a way forward. Giver uppers only find obstacles and reasons to stay in their current circumstance. Quitting puts a stop to what no longer can be tolerated. Giving up is giving in and expecting more of what is intolerable.
A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook some thoughts and questions regarding toxic masculinity. He wrote:
I’m told every day about toxic masculinity, but there’s not a term for the opposite. I’m never told to exhibit healthy masculinity; I’m never shown the positive identity of masculinity as an ideal to live up to. My guide is [to] not be toxic. Toxic masculinity is real,…and is damaging to women, men, and society. It’s important, and needs to be discussed. Awareness is important. But I think positive masculinity could make just as much difference, but in a positive direction. I think we’ll improve progress of our world if we as men are taught how we should be, rather than just how we shouldn’t be. In studies of human change, constant criticism isn’t an effective method of change, and removing one behavior is far more permanent when it’s replaced with a positive one. Change is more effective when based on reward, not punishment (yes, it’s been studied, references on request,) and right now, we’re acting as if we’re trying to get men to change based on punishment of shame and fear (both important social motivators, despite them being used as bad buzzwords, don’t get me wrong,) but if we added a goal to achieve, I think that would create a reward to reach for, an identity to claim. A female feminist seeks to be liberated, empowered, a strong woman. What empowering and noble thing is a man trying to be? Right now, it seems like it’s just “not toxic.” Thoughts?
In essence, my friend is saying that men today are being told to “not be toxic”, but they aren’t being shown what to be instead. Men lack positive examples of healthy masculinity, and we even lack a term for the opposite of toxic masculinity.
I’ll start addressing my friends thoughts and questions from my personal beliefs and standards, and then broaden the argument to be as inclusive as possible.
Personal Views and Standards
As always, I go to the sacred texts (Bible, Book of Mormon, and other scriptures or inspired writings) for guidance and standards of truth by which I can discern truth from error, and properly frame the world around me.
The first thing that comes to mind is that modern day society would say Jesus cleansing the temple is an example of toxic masculinity. He was being aggressive, turning over tables, breaking stuff, whipping people, and causing a ruckus. Typical toxic male behavior. Right? Haha!
The Savior wasn’t displaying toxic masculinity. He was displaying righteous indignation.
The second thing that comes to mind is a distinction made early on in the scriptures. In the days of Adam there began to be a separation between the “Sons of God” (those who hearkened unto the Lord and gave heed; see Moses 8:13), and the “sons of men” (those who did not hearken to the voice of the Lord; see Moses 8:15). These “sons of men” were those who “…in those days [and in ours] Satan had great dominion among men, and raged in their hearts; and from thenceforth came wars and bloodshed; and a man’s hand was against his own brother, in administering death, because of secret works, seeking for power” (Moses 6:15). Sounds like toxic masculinity to me.
The scriptures make it clear that in Heavenly Father’s eyes, the label He chooses for “nobel masculinity” or “righteous manhood” is Son of God. After the order of His Only Begotten Son. Meaning Jesus Christ is the pattern and example of manhood. One who is kind and loving and humble and noble and strong and obedient and indignant and courageous and etc, etc, etc. Heavenly Father wants us men to “be ye therefore perfect [sons of God], even as” Christ is the perfect Son of God.
…in Heavenly Father’s eyes, the label He chooses for “nobel masculinity” or “righteous manhood” is Son of God.
Satan and his toxic masculinity (because you better believe he is the author of it) seek to exercise unrighteous dominion. Christ and his Divine Sonship (which he wants to share with us) seek to empower all (men and women) “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;…By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile…Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love…[by] charity towards all…, and…[by] virtue garnish[ing] thy thoughts unceasingly…” (D&C 121:41-45).
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ remind us men that we are sons of God, and they invite us to ”put off [toxic masculinity], and [become] a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and [become] as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:19).
The “sons of men” will not believe in Father and Son, and will deny any divine relationship to the Godhead. They will also dismiss and ignore the scriptures. Even so, it is our charge as sons and daughters of God, to “labor diligently to…persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God” (2 Nephi 25:23). In so doing, toxic masculinity will cease to exist in the hearts of men.
A Broader View
I acknowledge that my comments above are Christ centered, and recognize they may not resonate with friends and neighbors of different faiths and beliefs, or those who do not believe in God or Jesus at all.
In thinking of you and wanting to be as broad and inclusive as possible, I propose the best antithesis to toxic masculinity is “Zen masculinity.”
The best antithesis to toxic masculinity is Zen masculinity.
Why Zen masculinity? Because as a philosophy, Zen “emphasizes rigorous self-control, meditation-practice, insight into the nature of things (“perceiving the true nature”), and the personal expression of this insight in daily life, especially for the benefit of others.” Also within Zen tradition we find the Shaolin priests, a spiritual man who is a warrior as well. Shaolin Kung Fu is one of the oldest forms of martial arts. In the Shaolin priest we see an example of masculinity in balance.
Other cultures throughout the world have their own versions of spiritual warriors like the Shaolin priest. Native Americans, Aztecs, Greeks, and Romans, all had a tradition of warrior priests. During the Crusades it was the Knights Templar. In fiction and pop culture, it is the Jedi Order.
Each of these examples has inspirational ideals opposite of toxic masculinity. They represent nobility of character and spirit, clarity in wisdom and understanding, service and charity toward others, strength and courage, respect and honor, and so much more. The spiritual warrior can serve as a pattern which men and boys may follow to unleash their ultimate goodness and potential.
Yes, these examples are not perfect and may contain some traces or elements of toxic masculinity. But if we are looking for a term that can subvert toxic masculinity, show men what positive masculinity is and looks like, and what each boy can aspire to, then I propose it be Zen Masculinity.
For more inspiration watch Limhi.Live. It’s an online show that is part TED Talk, part call in radio show, and part variety show. It’s all inspiration and entertainment. Broadcasting daily beginning at 5:30 PM (MST). You can also watch it over at Twitch.
Win the battle within, and you’ll be victorious regardless of the outcome. – Limhi
A student recently asked His Holiness the Dalai Lama about competition. Here’s what he said:
Healthy Competition – HHDL talks about how competition can be positive in answering a student's question during their meeting at his residence in Dharamsala, HP, India on July 31, 2019. pic.twitter.com/6P5VTMDYju
For the Dalai Lama, competition is good and positive when:
“You yourself are trying to be top.” Meaning it’s an internal competition with yourself. You’re trying to better yourself.
You are not creating problems for others.
You are being an example to others.
You are making an effort.
Over a century ago, Pierre de Coubertin (founder of the modern day Olympics), expressed a similar view about competition. He said:
The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well.
Both HHDL and de Coubertin focus on the internal and personal competition. They remind us that making an effort and taking part are more important than wining. In their own way, each teaches us that the competition is within, and victory means outdoing yourself.
True success is “to have fought well” and reach your personal top. Regardless of whether or not you “get the prize”, you win when you better yourself.
For more inspiration watch my show Limhi.Live. It’s an online show that is part TED Talk, part call in radio show, and part variety show. It’s all inspiration and entertainment. Broadcasting daily beginning at 5:30 PM (MST). You can also watch it over at Twitch.
When you ignore or procrastinate an update on an app or cellphone or computer, it ends up slowing down the system. Apps are notorious for not working when they are not updated. Ultimately, if not updated regularly, the app, cellphone or computer ends up losing most of its utility.
A similar thing happens when you ignore personal updates. Those things that keep popping up and you know you must do in order to progress, but you keep ignoring. The more you postpone or procrastinate them, the more it bogs you down. Ignore those personal updates long enough, and you too will stop functioning properly.
Have you ever tried to update a whole bunch of apps on your phone all at once? It slows down your phones performance a lot. It eats up a lot of your phone’s battery, and it takes a long time. Something similar happens when you try to update all at once. You slow down your performance, you use a lot of your energy, and it takes you longer to update.
Remember that updates are incremental. They happen in small batches at a time.
If you take the time to go through the process and make those upgrades (quality of life updates, spiritual updates, relationship updates, financial updates), you’ll be happier and less stressed. Yes, you still have to go through the process of upgrading, and it will require some time and effort. But in the end, you’ll be glad you did so.
For more personal updates that will help you succeed in life, watch Limhi Live, Monday through Saturday at 5:30 PM (MST).
It always seems impossible until it’s done. – Nelson Mandela
*****
Step One
Change the word “impossible” to the word “improbable.”
This change in words automatically shifts your focus. You’ve taken the “impossible” with its “never gonna happen” illusion, and brought it to the reality of improbable.
When something is improbable, you’re able to gauge or guess the likelihood of an outcome. Improbability asks: what are the chances?
Step Two
Go from improbable to probable.
Improbable and probable are two sides of the same coin. Thinking of how improbable something is, will naturally lead you to think of how probable it is. While improbability asks “what are the chances this won’t happen?”, probability asks “what are the chances this WILL happen?”
Even the smallest probability means there is a chance.
Step Three
Turn probable into possible.
Once you start to see there is a chance, even if it’s a slight chance, you enter the realm of what is possible. You have the power to act on what is possible. You can work with possible. It is closer and more available than you realize.
Possible is within your reach
One Example
Where seasoned artists saw an impossibility, the 26 year old Michelangelo saw possibility.
Over a span of 40 years, several artists worked on the block of marble that would become the David. Those artists called the block of marble “imperfect” and “impossible” to work with. They eventually gave up.
When Michelangelo saw the block of marble, he saw the possibility of a masterpiece. He focused on what he could do, and worked at it for two years. Once unveiled to the world, the David was instantly recognized as a masterpiece.
Now it’s your turn. Make the impossible possible, and go create your masterpiece.
“Now” is the only future available to you. The rest of your life is in this moment and no other. You don’t know if you’ll make it to the next moment. The farther out you imagine into the future, the more you delude yourself into thinking that you have all the time in the world. That’s just a mirage.
The time available to you is right now.
You can only be present in this moment. Visualization is mental practice and imagining of a future moment. But how do you know you’ll make it to that future moment? You don’t know. You may not even complete this day. All you have available to you is right now. Live your life believing the future will be right because you’re making it bright right now.
The rest of you life starts right now. The rest of your life is right now. The rest of your life is in this moment. Focus on this moment and make the best of it. Take care of the now, and the future will take care of itself.
Do you need some inspiration and clarity in your life? Then come get it live on air, Monday through Saturday from 5:30 to 7:30 PM (MST). Visit Limhi.Live or Twith.tv/limhilive to watch Limhi inspire the world and answer your questions.
INSPIRATION IS THE HIGHEST EXPRESSION OF COMPARISON AND IMITATION
*****
Comparison
Comparing yourself to others robs you of joy. It steals the satisfaction of being who you are. Your focus moves away from what you have and who you really are. If you compare yourself to others, your focus is on what is absent in yourself and your life. You start to feel that you are not good enough, and that what you do is not good enough. Or you may feel that no matter what you do, you just don’t get the same result as others who seemingly have it easier. You begin to believe “the grass is greener on the other side,” and you lose appreciation for what you have and who you are.
Comparison is useful when you are improving upon yourself. It is useful to look at a previous version of yourself and measure against that. It is also useful to compare when you are seeking to understand something. In those cases, comparison can help you spot the difference and similarities.
Outward comparison comes from a place of judgment and robs you of joy. Inward comparison comes from a place of love and brings you understanding.
Imitation
Imitation comes from comparison. You imitate when you judge someone or something as better to your own effort and expression. You see in the other something that is missing in yourself, and you desire it. Like comparison, imitation is focused on the other and on the external. It is not the sincerest form of flattery. Rather, it is the sincerest form of rejection of self.
There is a useful form of imitation. It is the kind of imitation that humbly recognizes the genius of another, and seeks to internalize that expression of genius. In its highest form, imitation becomes discipleship. The picking up the torch and doing your best to carry forward that light and knowledge you’ve received from another.
Inspiration
At their best, comparison and imitation lead to inspiration. When you appreciate another completely, and see their authentic expression of self, it gives you permission to do the same. It inspires you to fully and authentically express yourself and be you. You feel a desire to up your game, to level up. and to come from a heart centered place where you show the world who you are.
Inspiration allows you to love the other and the Self. There is no judgment in inspiration. Only acceptance and appreciation. Differences and flaws become things you celebrated rather than reject. Inspiration allows you to see things clearly. You see others and yourself as you really are. And you accept others and yourself with compassion and respect.
When comparison sees that the grass is greener on the other side, inspiration sees that the grass is green everywhere. And even if there is a brown patch, inspiration sees an opportunity to water a dry spot and nurture the green into existence. When imitation sees something to aspire to, inspiration sees an invitation to unleash your own unique and authentic flavor.
The world has enough comparison and imitation. It needs inspiration. It needs you to be inspired, and to give full voice to your inner genius. Your authentic expression of Self will unleash more inspiration into the world.
When you do the thing, you move in the direction of your dreams.
*****
Let’s talk about your dreams and goals for a moment. Think of them and reflect. What is it you really want? Maybe you want to slim down and achieve wellness. Perhaps you want to be debt free or achieve financial independence. Your dream may be to perform in famous opera houses around the world. Whatever your dream or goal, there’s one reason you haven’t achieved it yet.
You haven’t achieved your dream or goal because you haven’t done “the thing.” Each dream or goal has a “thing” that is required. It may be a sacrifice or trade off. Some dreams and goals require the proverbial “10,000 hours.” While others require years of passion and persistence. Often, “the thing” involves private battles and struggles no one knows about.
The thing about “the thing” is that it’s usually made up of smaller and simpler “things.” One thing leads to another thing, and then another and another. Sometimes “the thing” seems completely unrelated to your dream or goal. Other times, “the thing” requires a singular focus and determination. You may have to approach “the thing” from different angles, or knock on the door more than once. “The thing” can shift from moment to moment, so you gotta be flexible and willing to flow with it. Whatever “the thing” is, you must do it.
Now think about your dream or goal again. Ask yourself:
What is the one thing I must do in this moment to achieve my dream or goal?
