You never realize how much of your life you’ve been living on autopilot, until one day you have an awakening, and then suddenly you are not the same ever again.
What is an awakening? To me, an awakening is an experience that changes you for ever. It changes the way you see yourself and the way you see the world.
It can happen in a moment like an epiphany – a life changing realization, and AHA! moment. Or it can happen gradually over time like the rising of the sun. Most often it’s a mix of both. A gradual progression toward an awakening, and then an awakening all at once.
So far in my life, I’ve experienced two major awakenings. I call the first awakening my Self Awakening. The second awakening I call my Systemic Awakening.
Self Awakening
My first awakening happened suddenly while I was going through a divorce. The pain of experiencing a divorce cracked my heart open like an eggshell, and my soul came pouring out like an egg.
I was plenty depressed, and felt like dying in a lot of ways. And in a moment of spiraling downward into anxiety and depression over what it meant to be divorced, I had a sudden realization: “This experience doesn’t define me. I define who I am.”
That was the sudden part of awakening. A singular epiphany brought me out of the spiral and helped me stay afloat. That realization helped me understand that no matter what I’m living through, I am who I am.
Now that my soul had been freed of its shell thanks to the divorce, I could see who I am, and I began to know myself more and more. That was the gradual part of the awakening.
That awakening became a line of demarcation. Before the divorce there was “past Limhi”, and after the divorce there is “present Limhi”.
Little did I know that “present Limhi” was headed toward another major awakening.
Systemic Awakening
Sometimes you’re headed in a certain direction before you even realize it. That was my experience in coming toward my second awakening.
As “present Limhi”, I showed up in the world confident in who I am and firmly rooted in love for Self and Others. I was a more authentic me.
And the more I showed up as my authentic Self, the more I began to notice how my authentic Self didn’t fit into the world I knew.
It was little things at first. Things like no longer enjoying certain activities or hobbies that I used to enjoy. Things like no longer depending on external validation. All things that pointed to my Self awakening.
But gradually it became more clear that my misalignment with things wasn’t just personal. More and more I was realizing that society was not built to accommodate the authentic Self. The misalignment was structural. It was systemic.
And then 2020 came. That year became another line of demarcation. That year was the year I woke up to the systemic reality of patriarchy and racism. That year was the year my religious community was no longer safe, and my deep faith in my religious beliefs could no longer withstand scrutiny.
What’s more, the systemic awakening I was experiencing was also being experienced by many around the world. It was an awakening that was both connective and isolating at the same time.
Life After Awakenings
Awakenings, life changing realizations, come in different ways, at different times, and for different reasons.
Experiencing an awakening is a crossing over to a new version of existence. That means leaving behind some things or some people, and stepping into the unknown.
Not everyone chooses to embrace an awakening. Some retreat into their default Self and their default world because they are unable or unwilling to let go of the old.
But for those who embrace awakenings, they become empowered agents rather than passive participants. And a new life, a brighter hope, and a new world await.