LIMI MONTOYA

Mind

  • HOW TO BE MENTALLY STRONG

    A friend recently asked me how I became mentally strong.

    He asked because over the past few months he’s seen me adapt to a set of challenging circumstances. The cause of this necessary change was not of my own doing. It was the fallout from the poor choices of another.

    In the immortal words sung by Gloria Gaynor, “at first I was afraid, I was petrified.” I was having to accept a new reality that was unfamiliar and unwelcome. My mind kept shouting, “I don’t accept this. This is not a reality I want to deal with.” Anger, resentment, feelings of betrayal and injustice; they all bubbled in my heart like boiling water.

    And yet, I rose to the challenge (and continue to rise).

    Adapting to my new reality did require mental toughness. And as I’ve pondered my friend’s question, I’ve come up with five things which help me to be mentally strong.

    1. Strong Principles

    If you’ve ever seen a grape vineyard, you may have noticed that the branches of a vine grow along metal wires that are elevated above the ground. These wires “train” the vine to grow upward and outward so it gets plenty of air and sunshine, and produces the best grapes possible.

    Just as elevated wires “train” a grape vine to grow upward and outward, strong principles train the mind along mindsets that elevate, expand, and empower.

    For the past 20 years I’ve studied strong principles for an hour a day. That’s 175,200 hours of training my mind along the paths of strong principles. The result has been that the principles are planted in my heart, and my mind runs along their course.

    In truth, my mind isn’t strong. The principles are strong. I’ve just wrapped my mind around strong principles and those principles bolster my mind up. So when challenges come my way, my mind is able to stand firm because of the strong principles which guide it, and hold it up.

    2. Emotional Endurance

    If you’re going to run a marathon, you must build up your physical endurance. If you want to be mentally strong, you must strengthen your emotional endurance. Without emotional endurance, the mind crumbles under negative feelings and emotions.

    When I was in high school, I had the emotional endurance of Eeyore. Like the sad little donkey from Winnie the Pooh, when something upset me in a negative way, I would get so upset I’d forget to be happy.

    Over the years, I’ve experienced breakups, disappointments, a broken engagement, job layoffs, financial hardships, divorce, and mistakes. Each tested my limits.

    My emotional endurance has increased because I’ve endured pain and challenges. Time and again, when things have “gone wrong,” I’ve had to learn how to best manage my emotions. In doing so, I’ve been able to stay mentally strong as well.

    3. Ownership

    Being mentally strong requires you exercise ownership over Self. That means taking responsibility for your feelings, mindset, words, and actions. It also includes discerning when not to take responsibility.

    When you have a sense of ownership over Self, things out of your control stop being personal. This allows you to take the position of a “third seat observer” and to be more objective about things. This doesn’t mean feelings and emotions go away. Rather, it means you are able to hold space for those feelings and emotions without being blinded or carried away by them.

    4. The Power of Choice

    Everything that is happening to you is part of your story, and you have the power to choose how the story goes. Things beyond your control may happen to you. But you always have the power to choose how you will act and think, and what the outcome will eventually be.

    One of the most mentally debilitating choices you can make is to complain. Complaining literally wires your brain to be weak. On the other hand, choosing gratitude helps you to be mentally strong. Gratitude turns your attention to what is, rather than what isn’t. From this perspective, you are able to be more creative and action oriented.

    When I was going through divorce, there was a moment when I focused on all the negative aspects. I felt overwhelmed and depressed, and I began to believe that the singular incident of divorce was going to brand me and define who I was for the rest of my life.

    Thankfully, in another moment, a moment of clarity, I realized what was happening, and I chose to not be defined by one experience. I remembered that I choose who I am.

    More recently, with this new reality I’ve come to accept, I didn’t want to do so initially. As I said before, my mind wanted to reject the new reality. But the power of choice allowed me to come to grips with what was unfolding before me, and to choose how I was going to proceed. I chose to rise.

    5. Confidence and Trust

    Confidence and Trust are two sides of the same coin.

    Confidence is built on past experience. Think back on all the hard things you’ve endured. Remember how time and time again you’ve been supported, and guided, and helped. So far, you’ve survived all of your worst days.

    Doesn’t that give you confidence?

    Confidence is strongest when it rests on the Source of support, and guidance, and help. Call it God, the Universe, Light and Love. Whatever you will. When you notice that power in your life, and when you recognize its presence throughout the fabric of your existence, then your confidence begins to grow strong because you realize you are never alone.

    On the flip side, Trust is built on hope. The hope of a better tomorrow. The hope that help is on the way. The hope that you can do hard things. The hope that all things will work for your good.

    Your confidence may be shaken, but your trust can carry you through. Especially when placed on the most trustworthy of all. (Yes, I’m talking about God).

    Armed with confidence and trust, you are prepared to adopt states, mindsets, and actions necessary for a favorable outcome.

    Recap

    If you want to be mentally strong, work on:

    1. Wrapping your mind around Strong Principles,
    2. Developing Emotional Endurance,
    3. Taking Ownership of Self,
    4. Exercising the Power of Choice, and
    5. Building your Confidence and Trust.

    THANK YOU FOR READING!

    Everything I write is with the goal of helping others. If you thought of someone while reading this post, please share it with them. It might help them out.

    If you would like to learn how to be mentally strong, please visit my website for more information.

    (Top Photo by Vance Osterhout on Unsplash)

  • Unexpected Turns

    This morning I was on my way to pick up my gym buddy, and found that all the streets into her neighborhood were blocked or rerouted because of a marathon that was taking place in the area.

    I drove up and down the streets looking for a way in, but didn’t find one. My initial reaction was to feel annoyed at the inconvenience. 

    And then I began to reflect on other detours I’ve experienced in life.

    Major Detours

    Some detours are unintended, even unwelcome. While other detours are acceptable and willingly taken.

    Unintended and unwelcome detours are usually life events that spin us around and disorient us from our perceived sense of Self and direction. Events like the loss of life and limb, or the loss of love and security, have that effect on us. Often these detours are sudden, and come without warning. But even if they slowly creep up on us in plain sight, the major change is usually unacceptable.

    On the other hand, detours that are acceptable and gladly taken are those life events that strengthen our sense of Self and wellbeing. Events like a promotion at work, the decision to start a family, or any personal milestone or benchmark. These are the detours we accept.

    The common denominator in all detours (unwelcome and welcomed), is change. Our capacity to successfully take detours is proportionate to our capacity to adapt to change.

    Adapt or Die

    How can we increase in our capacity to adapt and to change? 

    In two ways.

    First, we must strengthen and align our sense of Self and wellbeing to the greater Truth of who we are and our place in the Universe. When we are firmly rooted and anchored in the knowledge of who we really are and where we belong, we become unshakeable. This keeps us pointed to “True North”, and prevents us from getting disoriented by detours.

    Second, we must become comfortable with uncertainty. Detours and change are often coupled with uncertainty. Being comfortable in uncertainty is like pedaling a bike. A bike stays upright and moving forward because we pedal. If we stop pedaling, we lose forward momentum, and eventually topple over. Similarly, being comfortable in uncertainty keeps us moving forward and prevents us from toppling over during detours. Also, the more comfortable we are with the unknown, the better we are able to remain still and find our bearings.

    When we are masters of change, fluid and flowing like water, then all detours become advantageous. All detours put us in the right place. And instead of Life happening TO us, Life happens FOR us.

  • The Oppression of Nice

    I am not nice.

    Not at all.

    I used to be nice. I used be very nice. But not anymore. Why?

    Because I learned the difference between being nice and being kind. NIceness is focused on pleasing others at the expense of Self. Kindness is focused on love and respect for Self and others.

    When I was nice, it was because I wanted to win the acceptance and approval of others. Every time I was nice, it was at the expense of my self worth.

    HIDDEN MESSAGE

    When we insist on someone being nice, we are effectively telling them that we do not and will not like them unless they behave in a way that is pleasing to us. This hidden message is most apparent, and most detrimental, when told to children.

    A couple of days ago my two year old niece Harper was fidgety at the dinner table. Her attention was on Curious George rather than her food. Her mom (my youngest sister), wanting for Harper to finish dinner, encouraged her to eat up before bath time. Harper replied with a firm “NO!”, and threw some food on the table. My sister attempted to correct this outburst by saying “Harper, not nice.”

    And there it was! The hidden message of “being nice.” I heard and saw the conditioning and oppression of nice right before my eyes. By saying “not nice,” my sister was telling Harper that she needed to be nice in order to be liked.

    Don’t get me wrong. My sister is a great mom, and she does everything a single mother can do to raise her daughter. She didn’t intend to tell Harper that she wouldn’t be liked unless she complied with “being nice.” She was just trying to instill good manners at the dinner table.

    (Disclaimer…I am not a parent, nor have I ever been a parent. So I can only begin to imagine the difficulty of teaching a child good values while at the same time instilling discipline).

    The point is, the oppression of nice begins early on in life. As early as two years old. And if you’re still not convince, recall the lyrics of the song “Santa Clause is Coming to Town.”

    You better watch out
    You better not cry
    Better not pout
    I’m telling you why
    Santa Claus is coming to town

    He’s making a list
    He’s checking it twice;
    He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
    Santa Claus is coming to town

    The message is that Santa Clause is coming, and the child will only get a gift if she doesn’t cry or pout, and is nice.

    Is it any wonder then that many individuals grow up to be people pleasers who are nice to everybody else except themselves? Individuals who suppress their true identity, and fear being their true Self because they don’t want to be “mean”, “naughty” or “not nice?”

    THE POWER OF KINDNESS

    Logic doesn’t penetrate the heart and spirit of a person. Only kindness does.

    It washes over a person’s heart, melting icy indifference with compassionate caring and warm respect. It softens the hardened heart with soft tones of understanding. It recognizes the worth of the spirit, and honors it as divinely great.

    When I learned to love and respect myself, kindness naturally blossomed and radiated to everyone I met. I saw we are all worthy of love and respect, and that we are all trying our best under our own particular circumstances. I understood that the only acceptance and approval needed was from Father.*

    *(when I say Father, I mean God. You may use another term for Her/Him: Gaia, Spirit, Source, etc. Father is the one I prefer).

    A person filled with love and respect for Self and others will naturally be kind. She will think of others as herself. She will serve out of love. She will set healthy boundaries and know how to say no. She will listen to others compassionately, and keep her own voice.

    Kindness leaves an indelible mark on the heart and spirit. It improves living and working environments. It strengthens relationships. It affects generations to come. The kindness you show today will ripple into future.

    Be kind.